There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
