I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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