i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
