im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
