wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
