This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
