how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
