I faked an abortion last night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
