I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
