If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
