hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Life is so much better after having sex.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
