I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
