I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you had me at cake vodka
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
