Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
