There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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