that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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