sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
