my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
