Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
