The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
