I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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