I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
