thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
