my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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