2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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