for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
