My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
