Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
