You're completely useless in the revolution.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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