He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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