Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
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Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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