speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
