You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
