I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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