textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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