I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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