She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
