I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
