Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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