I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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