Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
