so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
