i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
