remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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