I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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