i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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