i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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