He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
