You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
