I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i love accidental penises.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's rum buckets o'clock
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
