im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
