Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
