So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
