He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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