If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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