U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
